I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
