Don't you send me to vm
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
