I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
