He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you made out with another girl for some wings