So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.