Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
