i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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