I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
