I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
