A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
