im drinking this country out of the recession.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
this is an emotional support booty call
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
