i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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