he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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