I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
