I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
