my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
