JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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