After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
