Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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