I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we're making bets on your personal life
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
