What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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