there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
