i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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