i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this just has baby written all over it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
