Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
