I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
