so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You ate ashes out of my bong
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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