One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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