I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
