i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
