I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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