Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
