i'm signing you up for texting rehab
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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