I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
