she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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