I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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