I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
