It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
