So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
