She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
