he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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