I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
