my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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