i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
