Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
