I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
