he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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