i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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