She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
