At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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