I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
