So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
