My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
What a dumb baby whore.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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