My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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