omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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