phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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