Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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